Wolves should really raise more people.
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Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually