Wolves should really raise more people.
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My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info