Wolves should really raise more people.
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric