Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

Her: how are you still single?

Me: it’s easier than you think.

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs