Wolves should really raise more people.
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“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
uncle dave has been through hell
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Just why bro?!
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
<—- homeless romantic
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Merry Christmas
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING