Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Bit chilly again tonight.

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa