Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease

Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

neighborhood watch

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you

Breaking news:

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

Siri: Retweet me.

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.