Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
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[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.