Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US

They used it to decorate their salad bar

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around