Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
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I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
🤣🤣🤣
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Customer is always right
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song