Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

This is the one

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN