Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*

Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.

Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with