Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

Are you tired of having a great friendship?

Ruin it with Sex™

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

Home #decor warning.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

A recipe for laughter

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming