Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

termite twitter scares me

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”