Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

My birthstone is kidney

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.