Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
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“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Never deleting this app.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
You were the one.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Merry Christmas
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.