Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
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(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.