Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
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The legends speak of a third Duran…
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
seems fine
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?
3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.
Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*