Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.

Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines

Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.