Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.