Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.