WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
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NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.