Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
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twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
We don’t deserve birds.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone