Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
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She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.