Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.