WOMAN: Hey big boy

ME: *not knowing how to flirt back* Hey dad

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Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes


Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?

Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”

Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?

Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER

Prisoner: damn that’s cold


Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.


[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”


Fun Fact: When the bartender asks if you want two or three fingers, he isn’t always talking about the liquor.


I said my wife’s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet’s empty…


[day 1 of covid homeschooling]

me: alright, it says we have to do some-

8yo: *bursts into tears*


friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower


My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.


I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.