Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
WOMAN: Hey big boy
ME: *not knowing how to flirt back* Hey dad
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Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Fun Fact: When the bartender asks if you want two or three fingers, he isn’t always talking about the liquor.
I said my wife’s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet’s empty…
[day 1 of covid homeschooling]
me: alright, it says we have to do some-
8yo: *bursts into tears*
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.