Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-

-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

Free him

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

‎”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*