Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
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My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two