Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
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“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I occasionally drink every single night.