Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax