Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
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Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
a public service announcement
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave