Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
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“Theirye’re” problem solved
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again