Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
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Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
They got Raph!
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.