Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
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Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
this is uni
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.