Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

titanic

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

I never know how much to tip a cow.

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

The Joker was right

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

A new level of troll.