Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
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I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet