Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
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2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.