woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
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I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
me when i see my girls butt
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?