Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

Me when I’m ovulating

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.