woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
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[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
😭😭😭
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.