Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

😭😭😭

😂😂

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.