woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
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Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
