Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

“YOLF!”

– immortals, probably

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines

Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.

quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

Meowchelangelo

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?

The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.