Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

What’s this sorcery? 😂

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

My body feels like it’s aging in dog years

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”