Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.

Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆