Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

[first day as an architect]

boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”

me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”

boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”

me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

#Caturday

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

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“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church