Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

the red hot silly peppers

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*