Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
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[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I have a black belt in leather
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”