Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

waitress: are there any allergies at this table?

me, already drunk: POLLEN

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

Name this drama.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.

-old irish blessing

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*