Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

#math

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*