Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

😐

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.