Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.

The answer is funnier than the question

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.

Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.