Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
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mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
#Caturday
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing