WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
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Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Never let them know your next move 😂
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.