WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
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[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent
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Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag