WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
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*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
All excellent questions
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair