woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
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I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Saw your ex at the shops
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.