Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
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Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse