Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
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Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
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[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
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*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
How to keep the seat next to you empty.