Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
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Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.