Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
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[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
mandolin: finally a violin for men
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
oh you like nyc? name every rat
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?