Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I didn’t come here to be called names
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
what
A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.
