Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*

HOT POCKET

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

—What are we?

—Women!

—What do we want?

— We don’t know!

—When do we want it?

— Now!

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.