Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.

1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

Dyslexics are teople poo!

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it