Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

⛄️

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.