Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

#dnd #ttrpg

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

two people or more is called a problem

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

Have kids so when they do the dishes there’s still a sink full of dirty dishes.

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?