Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.![]()
You Might Also Like
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Ha.
![]()
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Buck naked
![]()
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
some things should go without saying
![]()
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(