Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

Two mushrooms in a forest.

One says: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?

Me neither.

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick

Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?

Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

Okay this one takes it home

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳