Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Undress me with your words…

Me: I saw a spider in your bra.

friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?

wife: we think it’s-

me: snakes. we think it’s snakes

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

*buys box of donut holes*

I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*