Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

Me as a therapist: omg same

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

ok hear me out: Luigiana

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”

“The bride has also written her own vows.”