woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential