Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

i really liked this one

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.