Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
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We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I need to get some bricks…
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
called in thicc to work this morning
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.