Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

Dolls on drugs

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.