WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
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I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.