WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
You Might Also Like
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this