WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.